disappointing news

All I can say is if you are a celebrity, you better be a role model.

looking back

it seems so ridiculous that one teeny weeny setback can cause your circle to dwindle. army made it worse too.

perspectives, impressions, ideas

I guess when they say first impressions do matter, they're right, no matter what. Judging seems to be the first instant thing to do when meeting someone new. If you're good, good. But when you're not, good luck.

I'm saying this because I am/was a victim of such cases, and I can only say either I'm constantly misunderstood by people, or my EQ's real bad.

Trying to start over with a clean slate will then seem challenging, unattainable or even futile. A chance is what many need from their peers to realise maybe this person has really changed for the better, greater good.

Haven't used MSN for ages, and boy has it changed, although it seems that like the use of it for me has been reduced tremendously.

regrets.

These 2 weeks may seem to have passed pretty quick, but the mind plays tricks on me. I guess I've been thinking too much again as always, however optimistic or pessimistic it may be.

Once again, I gotta feeling I'm still stuck with a problem, back at square one, or worse still, square negative one. Coming to this, asking the same old question doesn't apply anymore, life's like that. You wait, but no one will wait for you. It sucks when you think its gone but suddenly it appears and hits you in the face.

Anyway the past week I've done things that I shouldn't have, not even going inside. I cannot say I don't really enjoy myself cos its an experience but after, started to regret going inside. Honestly I didn't expect these type of places still existing here, but I was wrong.

At least I still have emotions and feelings, that's a relief. If it ever disappears from me, then will I know I have failed as a human being.

Oh, I can finally swim the breaststroke with ease and quite a few laps too, which made my day today.

livin' on a prayer

We are living in a world that we can't understand. Constantly people, religions and even countries are in conflict with one another because of misunderstanding. Sometimes asking and questioning is ultimately the better deal, or maybe some reliefing comments like "God bless everyone!" will help. But usually "Why this? Why that? Why this and that? How come like that?" are the simple questions that we ask with no regret, resulting in somewhat many unfavourable consequences. If we knew the answer beforehand, would we still have asked the question in the first place? But if we knew the answer already, would we have bothered to ask? Think about it, it can be very confusing. All I know is that the truth is always difficult to accept, but we still have to accept it.

Is there really something wrong with our bodies when we are diagnosed with all the different kinds of diseases or illnesses present in the world right now or is it God's signal/message to us that our time here is up? That we are not fit enough physically or mentally to be in this world? Or that it is just a tool for doctors, organisations and MNCs to get wealthier, by making a virus to create a vaccine?

Can we see beyond the exterior features of a person and actually see the internal side of the person? So far, so long, sadly no, although always there are exceptions and that it is rare. When was the last you see couples which are blessed to be each other? The divorce rates are increasing by the seconds and sometimes you wonder what's the point of marrying when in the end you end up divorcing? But I guess couples marry with no intention of separating from each other, which brings this to the other point, do they really love each other to start with, or is it the animal instincts in all of us that tell us to love our partners? We, as homosapiens, the so-called mammals with the ability of thought, are still and will still be the animals we used to be, but those who are more religious will beg to differ. Has the ability of thought made us who we are today? Creatures that materialise and procrastinate about anything and everything? Even to the so-called people who we're in love with? Honestly I'm not sure myself, whether 2 people can truly be in love with each other or is it just superficial love to start with that may ultimately lead to real and unconditional love? I don't know. Really.

Wow, its a very complicated post. That's all folks.

nothing mch to do

One thing I've learnt is that when you get to the point where there's nothing much for your brain to function in a productive way (even though physically it may be unproductive), you start to think in a degenerative way.

i.e. nothing to do, think about stupid and silly things.

Emotions start getting the better of you, and naturally it turns out to be unpleasant kinds.
Hate, Jealousy and Selfishness. 3 somewhat simple adjectives with huge complications to us.

There's no one time when you have really nothing to do, you just stone, because no one stones. When you see someone stone, they're actually thinking about something, preferably something unpleasant. Unless there are things in your head, which probably means there's some brain juices to squeeze, you think bad. And that is really dumb. Why does the human brain work in this silly way to instill fear and hopelessness in me? Especially since when I have nothing to do?

I really don't know how my brain works but all I think of are the 3 adjectives I mentioned earlier.

Only when I fully occupied with stuff, no matter productive or unproductive work, do I make my brain function properly.

Let's face it, my brain is seriously degrading by the day, knowledge may even be spilling out of my brain and with not much things to do at the moment, my hopeless thoughts will only get worse.

Besides, everyone knows I'm lazy. I can't get my ass up to do some proper, learn something, read something, and watching TV doesn't help the brain think, only follow. I guess this post is more of a rant and a signal for me to wake up and reaffirm my existence in life.

Until then its time for some life reflection in me.

faded memories that come back to "haunt?" me

Wow, it seems that I finally understand how faded memories can be brought back to me from my unconscious mind in just a split of a second, and its not the pictures, but the words itself.

You see, while just posting 2 days ago, well I thought maybe its time for a change, a change that would refresh my thoughts and the memories that I wished didn't happen to me. I decided then to delete every single tag on my tagboard. Going to the website and logging in to my account, this is it, delete everything and start over again, hopefully like a new person or being. As I clicked on the select all button, I don't know why I did it but I just scrolled down the website and browsed through all the tag that was present.

And this was where the Nightmare started. As I read each tag, pictures, feelings and emotions started getting to my head. I started to be happy and sad, angry and frustrated, emotional and emotionless. I really thought I can go through with it after what seems like a good old long time for me but till now it appears not.

All the doing something else, pre-ocuppying yourself with shit and the legendary "they say time heals everything" are just for people who couldn't care less anymore, and I'm just not that guy. I care too much for Christ sake.

be a man guanwen, face up and do what you should do.

new shit to do

Watching Julie & Julia yesterday has one way or another inspired, rekindled and effortlessly made me want, need and have to continue this godforsaken blog.

I sincerely believe it will certainly make life more interesting for me that it already isn't, and in a reflective way.

So what's left after this. I have already gotten my driver's license, which looks good too haha. I will need something to do to keep myself occupied with my life, since all my close friends keeping telling me "the world is gonna end in 2012, so make full use of it while possible", which is what I plan to do now.

Of course I'm not gonna do a 365 days, 524 recipes Julie/Julia project, but I'll try something else, erm maybe play an instrument, or learn a new skill, whatever it is, and NO GIVING UP!

But till then its 2 days before booking out and I'm certainly looking forward to the weekend.

It's time to get my life back on track.

till then.

today signals the end of my freedom and tomorrow will embark the start of a new chapter in life, imprisonment :military style! haha

will update soon! in 2 weeks!

imagine having 3 driving lessons in a day, it is crazy.

looking back, it was something money can't buy haha.

1 day more to NS.

haha, I no need to go to school anymore!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!




too lazy to update, maybe later.

stand chart 2008

ok this is crazy but i'm gonna run the standard chartered marathon 10km men with my dad at around 7.30a.m. and i'm still freaking awake now haha. will update later if i can still move haha.

+ I will try to refrain from any forms of fast food, junk food and carbonated liquids frequently; after just watching Super Size Me, honestly it's really unbelievable what fast food (not only Macdonalds) can do to our health in the long run.

p.s. DRINK LOTS OF WATER!

guitar hero!

went to michael's house for guitar hero world tour before supermassive. super fun haha.

Supermassive wasn't as up to expectations so the class left quite early.

dinnered at swensens at PS till late

went to becky's house for guitar hero world tour again with the rest of the guys. it's so fun, though
it becomes boring if played for too long, but it applies to all games.

lunched at bedok hawker centre, it really has a lot of good food, a must try.

home sweet home now. out.

prom's over, many photos with a decent camera (finally), food sucked, bad food service, lousy location to sit, nice outfit and time to move on.

prom's in a while, can't wait! haha. back soon.

Now that A levels are finally over, what's next?

Everything seems unclear to me in every aspect of my life.

I'm confused and still choose to be optimistic, 

Though its coming.

47 days left. 

To be a victim of something I've always condemned about, it is really an irony.

My head still hurts from drinking over the night. But it was a pity not being able to get drunk, as I've hoped for. School's starting tomorrow again and the time to hit the books starts again. This whole week didn't started off well nor ended off well. My problems are constantly bugging me in my thoughts randomly, and I thought drinking could solve the problem, but turns out that I didn't get drunk to forget my sorrows, instead my head feels nothing but heavy and hot, on the verge of explosion. But it was fun, never felt so carefree and laughed crazily for a VERY LONG time. Drinking can't solve my problems, and my support source now not so supportive of me, its going to be tough times ahead for you, Guan Wen. 

放弃我放弃。

经过了那么多，又想了这么久，还是放弃好了。

好在不用在脑海里胡思乱想和期望你会做任何为我开心的事。

我放弃。

i really don't know what to say. . .

I must say, it was a blessing in disguise. (:

When you finally thought that you could be understood, well, it turns out to be the other way.



happy teachers' day.

SILVER OR GOLD

after 40 years, it comes down to this, its either a silver or gold.

CONGRAULATIONS TEAM SINGAPORE!

No matter how hard the goalie tried, he'll still be unable to make a save, the ball is just too big for him to handle.

If you naively think that just by putting in effort in whatever you do, you can achieve your goals, think again.

If it were so simple, there will be at least a 100 times more successful people now.

failure

What's the point of me studying when I always fail, I just don't get it. Just wanna give up, knowing my efforts are futile.

I shaved my head today.

post mid-year exam time

The mids are over, like finally. Good news for now, bad news in a week's time. I can say I really did study hard for it (as compared to the common test), but the results won't show. The papers were tough, and time wasn't really on my side if you put it this way. Whatever it is, I'm gonna give myself some breathing space until school officially commences on Tuesday.

I actually thought that the last paper chemistry two days back was at 8 in the morning, so I reached school at like 7.30, but to find out later it was an afternoon paper and it only started at 2! I had almost 6 hours to spare and so meanwhile studied chem but it wasn't much of a help.

Some of T38 went out after chem to town and we watched GET SMART. This is one of the best
shows I've seen this year. Hilarious, amusing and just plain old funny. You really should watch it considering the stress accumulated these few weeks, it makes it almost disappear, but it'll be back very soon.

And I finally met Melissa and Julian yesterday. They're nice, and I think that's all I can say cos it's the first time meeting them. Awkward, yes. I'm not used to it, and it'll probably take some time, I can't just talk to someone I've never met before normally. It's weird for me, its not Orientation or LTC where sometimes at first you're sort of forced to make friends with each other and stuff. And sometimes if you really wanna know it's kinda unfair. Maybe it's just me I don't know.

I've always thought that sleeping could solve all your problems but sometimes it can't. It gets worse and worse sometimes just thinking about it each time time and over again. Best is don't think about it, which is pretty much impossible. Okay I'm starting to get emo, so next.

In a week's time I'll be pretty much bald and botak. I'm not really looking forward to it but it's a good experience nevertheless. The only good thing I can think of is that I don't need to cut my hair for like 3-4 months.

It's the Euro 2008 finals tonight (or tomorrow morning) and I'm looking very forward to it, because after Monday it'll be the same old routine again and this time, I really need a study partner.

4 months

4 months.

week 3

well let's see...

MON: Chem revision lecture 1-4pm
TUE: Chem revision lecture again 1-4pm
WED: Math consultation 9.30-12.30pm; do Math 8-12am
THU: Math consultation 9.15-12.15pm; do Math 8-12am
FRI: Math consultation 9-5pm

My life so far. I've never studied so much ever since after prelims in sec 4 where i started panicking. well done guanwen!

Wasn't really in a good mood today; after what happened yesterday, but nonetheless, i can tell myself proudly that I KNOW HOW TO DO VECTORS QNS (esp. on planes)! thanks Mrs Loke for all the help and advice you've given me these 3 days. i'll still need help in complex no. and distribution though.

I'm still not feeling better at all, in fact it's worse from morning. Emotions going through my mind now are unhappy, upset, disappointment, disturbed, relieved, frustrated and sad.

OH YEAH I need to update on LTC which i've not talked about in a long time. things I learnt:
1. Interact with your seniors, they're a nice bunch of people who tell you stuff that happened in school you'll never in your life can ever imagine.
2. Just because you had a bad experience in something you did before you're not gonna now try to see it in different perspective and do it. I feel that it's just wrong, deluding and giving up on yourself and the other people around supporting you. have the courage, step out of your comfort zone (omg so cliche) and DO IT and maybe it ain't so bad after all, perhaps it may even turn out more natural than you think.
3. Revising work in camps like this is no joke.
4. Planning for a event in camps like this is seriously no joke.
5. Having to elect an EXCO right after LTC is just suicide (as it was for the past 5 years)

And being nice and sincere doesn't help. not only will they not appreciate what you've done for them, they take you for granted, and worse still, they blame you for whatever stuff that happens to them which has no bloody connection to you, not sparing a thought for your feelings.

What a way to welcome the weekend.

Sometimes we should just do away with our emotions and the world may be a better place to live in.

7 JUN!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAR MARIE!

although you're 18 years and 1 day old, you're still that sweet and lovely girl you always are.

all thanks to majella, joel, michael & sarah that my surprise worked out, so KUDOS to 4 of you!

joel's bday!

Happy Birthday Joel!

It was fun and interesting having you as both my classmate and councilmate these 2 years, haha. As you reach M-18 today, i sincerely hope that the good lord bless you with your unfulfilled wishes and dreams and in whatever you want to embark in the future.

today in a nutshell: 3 hour food showdown, window shopping, tyco daytona, shameless bowling and aimless pool.

haha enjoy myself today, the long overdue cheap thrill entertainment and of course, the company. :)

a tag

Game rules:
A. People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves. Tag 8 people. Those who are tagged cannot refuse.
B. These 8 people must state who they were tagged by. You cannot tag the person who tagged you. Continue this game by sending this to 8 other people.

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
i don't know, has never happened to me before. but will definitely be very sad, emo for very long, even cry and think about her for about 2 years before finally letting go.

2. What will you do if you do not share the same feelings as the person who likes you?
tell her honestly, and hope she will understand; but this never happens to me, so phew, haha.

3. What will your dream wedding be like?
in sji chapel!! with a wonderful (sounding) choir and a wonderful pianist. lots of blessings ,old friends and family present. a beautiful wedding gown for my bride. beautiful wedding band and of course my beautiful bride.

4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?
yes. don't know what to expect.

5. What's your ideal lover like?
erm, someone who's nice and sweet, who can make me happy, and make me feel loved! (:

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone else?
of course being loved! well, loving someone can be tiring, so everyone wishes to be loved sometimes. if it's both ways, then it will be the most ideal!

7. If the person you like does not accept you, would you continue to wait for them to change their feelings?
yes, cos i'm a hopeless romantic what haha, luckily it didn't happened HAHA (:

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
pray that they break up soon! HAHA. just live with it lah, and forget about it after 2 years. been there done that already.

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy recently?
yup. but all's well now.

10. What do you want most in life?
for my dreams to come true! think it has already, HAHA!

11. Is being tagged fun?
if it's from marie, why not? haha.

12. If you find out that your best friend is going out with your boyfriend/girlfriend, how would you react?
VERY disappointed and sad, but i won't know what to do, so i pray that it'll never happen at all.

13. Who is currently the most important person to you?
haha, duh, who else? (:
family too of course haha.

14. What kind of person do you think you are?
ask my friends, don't ask me haha.

15. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
duh married and poor. love is everything.

16. If the person you secretly like cannot recognise you, what would you do/how would you react?
i'll be sad, but i'll do something silly to make that person remember me!

17. Would you give your all in a relationship?
why not? that's how i love someone wholeheartedly without having any regrets and if anything bad ever happens, at least i can tell myself i never regret in doing so.

18. If you fall in love with two persons simultaneously, who would you pick?
i'll slap myself and ask myself to wake up cos i'm probably daydreaming haha.

19. What type of friends do you like?
those who are there for me whenever i need them the most, who shows care and concern.

20. If you played a prank on someone, and he/she fell for the trick, what would you do?
laugh like mad, and influence everyone else to laugh too. laughter's the best medicine HAHA.

i tag:
whoever wants to do it!

stupid archery

it just isn't the day for me.

the day started out bad, and it HAD to end bad too.

am I asking too much?

why show the attitude and spoil my day?

you're not happy and i'm not happy, so how? call the police? doesn't solve anything.

and what's wrong with playing with the psp, is it a crime? for goodness sake it's a break, not a lesson.

don't treat us like recruits just because only one or two silly people runied your day.

shouting doesn't scare me, it scares you so don't do it to scare us.

bottomline: you don't give me your respect, i won't show you your respect.

and it's not his fault, its accidental cos THE ARROW DROPPED when he released. screw your pay, dock it then dock it lah, not as if you haven't earned enough from NS with extra bonuses.

money isn't everything, safety is, like you said.

we're just a bunch of students who are just beginners, and you're a semi-pro. why waste your energy getting mad when we're not gifted at it?

we're trying our best you know, and it doesn't help when you always 'wah lau eh tell you how many times' at us.

i'm still gonna see you in 2 weeks time, hopefully you'll change and think about others feelings before yourself.

it's tough for you as its tough for us, so don't make life difficult for us and we'll do the same.

lastly, about the night, i'll just have to compromise with whatever you do, although i'm upset, i'll just have to accept what's coming in from your side, and i don't know if i still can maintain my cool and be very understandable the way things are going, cos i kinda lost it just now. it's saturday leh, not the weekdays or sundays which i can accept.

today ended in a bad note. hope sleep won't too.

i'm out.

updating finally

Its been a long time since I last updated, but with other factors coming in, I don't think I wish to update anymore, because it will be emotional post again. nothing happy ever happens to guanwen nowadays.

Homework is tough, tutorials are being carried out at a fast rate, lectures are hard to understand. But there's nothing I can do about it, except working even harder than before, I guess.

And besides that, other things have happened over these few weeks and they are not good too. Overbursting of emotions and unpredictability to name a few. People tend to change during periods like this, but who can blame them? The stress and expectations are just too hard for them to handle and they find other ways to destress and let out some steam.

All I can say is that I'm not the guanwen I want to be now, not since the start of the second term and I hate it. I'm being more pessimistic than before, becoming emotional more often than usually and get myself annoyed more easily, and contradict myself in the many ways I promised myself never ever to happen.

I'm not me and I don't know how to change in these coming weeks of terror. I don't want to resort to beating and abusing myself in order to make myself change but I don't want to keep it inside me and hide it in my subconscious mind forever, knowing that it'll come back to haunt me when I finally can be in my happy self, but telling someone will make hurt him/her indirectly and they have their own things to worry about besides little old me.

I'm stopping here, I don't want to type and don't know what to type anymore.

a failure

a failure, is what I should be called from now on, anyway, I've been failing all my life.

never had I did so badly for an exam, practically failing every single subject being offered to me.

and I don't see the reason why people still can smile and joke around when their results are just as bad.

sometimes I don't even know why I'm still pursuing an education course, when all I'm doing is wasting resources.

and I'm not gonna blame it on the teachers anymore, it doesn't work nor help this way.

retain, leave or stick to the status quo I really don't know;

I need to see some light, even if its just a blink of light rays.

someone please tell me what to do.

a sad day; easter

oh my gosh, its been weeks since I last updated, 13 days to be exact.

first of all, HAPPY EASTER SUNDAY to all!

many things have happened for the past 13 days! sis's photo exhibition with the hopeless romantic, project JUMBO, back to school *arghhh!* and archery. details I'll write when I feel like la, very lazy now haha.

well, it was suppose to be a fine day today, but it turned out to be sad for me. And the best part is I don't know why! I guess it should be multiple reasons that led to be a sad guanwen today. I've been thinking AGAIN, even though I should be studying, and I realised many things that I may have done wrongly e.g. scolding the wrong person, expecting too much of others, wanting things to go MY way to other matters such as my nephew getting sick, atrocious CT marks, NOT DOING MY REVISION when I should (esp. when there's one extra day), to lastly not being able to do homework not because I don't want to, but I can't (it really sucks I tell you). And with PTMs approaching this Saturday (which does not help), all I can say is wish me luck lo.

Sometimes I really think I do too much, cause I don't wanna be a slacker, but to expect the same fair share back is a wishful part of my thinking; i guess.

To the extent that I even think I think too much now, snap out of it guanwen! DO IT!

oh wells, at least the big match's later,it'll take my mind off these matters; for now that is.

my day

guanwen is a really happy boy today!

you should know why.

shall not elaborate more.

looking forward to tomorrow!

a better day I hope.

tribute

A Tribute to this special someone on his 18th birthday, my best friend, Mok Kai Chuen.

A picture speaks a thousand words.

6 pictures... ... you should get my idea.

19 feb

February 29, a day that only appears once every four years. a leap day to be exact.

It is said that this day allows women to propose to men and the men can't refuse to it. A special day whereby women take charge. the men take a break for the day, and be obliged to do what a girl asks of you.

The previous leap year happened in 2004 and 29/2/2004 was just any other normal day in the 2004 calender. But somehow this year it turned out different, much more significant events happened; pledges, confessions, escapes, security lapses, public apologies, mugging etc.

A emotional ride it was for me today, especially in the morning. but all things ended well. and I'm happy, for now. until the common tests arrive on Monday.

until then, back to studying, studying and more studying; nothing else should bother me now.

Let's just hope that 29/2/2012 will be even be much better than today, for me and you.

its 4 mins to 11 so I better be quick.

Orientation 02: EXOTHERMIC has finally ended, after 4 days of HARD WORK, screaming and shouting at people to hurry up and stuff, cycling at East Coast Park to make sure everything is going on well there and finally losing my voice.

I would like to express my greatest gratitude to the organising comm and the facils for the hard work involved, especially to SOLAS facils. We WON best house, totally unexpected. but EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED! *now where did I hear that from? haha*

now that this is over, back to reality. common test's in a week's time, haven't much started on revision, so shoot me if you can, really. I can already anticipate the no. of U I'm gonna get. Jon Ma says I'm confirm fail my CTs, actually my whole class, but I don't blame him, at the rate we're going, it's DDAY.

thank you for your support these 4 days, never failing to put a smile on my face. *you know who you are* haha.

Youth Olympics

CONGRATULATIONS Singapore; for winning the right to host the inaugural Youth Olympics in 2010! Well Done and let's hope that 14-16 August 2010 will be 3 good days indeed.

To all facils and especially the Orientation 2 committee, we're halfway there, 2 more days and its over! Hang on; Endure and Enjoy!

unexpected

words cannot describe how I feel right now. all in all, I'm HAPPY and so should you (:

I'll ALWAYS remember that matter, for as long as I live.

very long p.s. well done, for deleting that photo.

Although it's too surreal, it did happen, didn't it?

cny

this year's chinese new year can be summarised in one word: disappointing.

today is 除夕, so we're suppose to have 团圆饭, and I was expecting the same as always over the past few years, but this year apparently everyone decided not to come to my house, except one of my uncles. its the eve of the new year, and everyone is supposed to gather in someone's house and have a meal together, even simple customs like this are ignored. disappointing but true. even though we're gonna meet at my aunt's house on 初一, that's not the point, cause it wouldn't be a 团圆饭, which defeats the whole purpose, even though we're together.

many people have been asking me why is this blog so emotional, like there's no happy thoughts or feelings inside me or something. actually there are, but there's nothing really significant that really made me feel truly happy inside my heart, except the past few saturdays, but other then that, not really.

I sort of had been told by this fengshui-fortune teller when I was in Taiwan in dec 06 that I have a very lucky life, and that the next year (which is 2007) to 小心陶花运, which means beware of girls, meaning don't get too close to them cause it meant bad luck. and looking back, she bluffed me. 2007 didn't really brought me close to any girl for that matter, let alone a relationship.

2008 may just be a special year for me, where I may just be falling in love with someone, although the vision seems blurry and unclear right now.

one word I'm guilty of nowadays is obsession, or what the oxford dictionary defines as the state of being obsessed. obsess means means occupying the thoughts of continually. and I get the feeling that i'm being obsessive. enough said, i know its bad so i'm not continuing.

I don't seem to be in the festive mood that I'm suppose to be in CNY, for this year alone. my friends agreed too. i don't know if it's the stress of the fact of being in an 'A' level year or just that being an age like this just brings the mood down low. anyway for now, I'm just not feeling it, the right way.

back to basic reality for me, the one thing I'm deprived of: the television. and watch it I will.

Sometimes I really have to hand in to my dad, I must really learnt from him about this : not to take your emotions home. my dad works as a lecturer in ITE, with many students of different backgrounds around the country. Always, when he reaches home, he's a happy man, he does his usual stuff like reading the newspaper and occasionally watching the tv which I'm deprived of. Usually if you're working in ITE, you will have a certain amount of stress with the students and other matters, but my dad ain't that kind of person, he doesn't even talk about these matters at home.

And so I ask him, " why don't get you get stressed up and talk about it at home, I mean teaching in ITE surely brings about these problems?"

and he just said this, " why should I get stressed up over these things at home? A home is a place to rest and relax, not a place to rant and complain about my students, so I choose not to bring these emotions home."

and I really respect him for that, being professional to the point where he can even control or 'time' his emotions to not let it get the better of him.

this week has been a emotional roller coaster for me, moods changing as frequent as the unpredictable weather. and i hope that I will change this habit, for the better, and not let the fatigue and stress make me 感情用事 again.

get a hold of yourself, guanwen, get a hold of yourself, now. anger won't help.

To: the hopeless romantic.

THANK YOU THANK YOU so much my hopeless romantic partner for writing and giving me the postcard on wednesday, although it took me quite a while to understand it, I did and understood the true meaning of the lyrics written on it. a beautiful song it is. a beautiful song.

I'M A BEAUTIFUL SEED, I'M A BEAUTIFUL SEED! haha. thank you once again.

I can understand why you're feeling what you are now. I read his messages to you, of which they were not deleted. Honestly, he was charismatic and creative, not to mention caring. and it will seem quite difficult to let go, even for me. The messages were cute and lovely, not the ones people would usually receive, not even mine. And I'm jealous, of him and disappointed at myself for not being able to do much, as much as I've assumed I have, to help you let go. I thought I've done alot, but it all seems so far away now. The smiles and laughters didn't really help much, am I right?

I've failed in making people truly happy, and I'm sorry about it. I know I can never be like him, or even better, and after reading those messages, I think it's even worse. I blame myself for not being able to make you truly happy, like what I've promised myself to do so. I want you to be happy, because if you're not, I won't be too.

Forgive me, hopeless romantic, for not really helping you, as much as I've wished.

From: the other hopeless romantic.

major reflection needed

i can't believe i'm saying this but i really have to. they really have a screwed up believe system which i can't seem to comprehend.

i may sound like a girl but

guys are bastards, real idiotic bastards in love.

i have 2 friends, one of which is a really close friend whereby both of them have been and still are victims of love. these guys apparently thought nothing happened and just broke up with them. i just can't see why guys like to give stupid retarded excuses/reasons to break up with the girl. if you wanna break up with the girl. just tell her straight, don't beat around the bush.

and dude, if you guys have been dating for two years already, you just can't say that 'i think i'm not ready for a relationship' and think that you can break up with her just like that. it freaking doesn't work this way, trust me.

maybe i'm not in the position to say anything, but the act shows how irresponsible, unreliable, unworthy, despicable, disgusting & selfish the guy really is, daring to say something as absurd as that to a girl whom he dated for two years. enough said, your loss, loser.

which brings me now to my really close friend. you should know who you are and please forgive me if i say this but i have to, cause it just so really pisses me off so bad.

dude, you can't hide forever you know that. you just can't say that nothing actually happened because it did, and face the fact, you did have something special going on with her didn't you? you cannot, and i mean really cannot deny the fact that it's the schoolwork and location that's driving you away from her, because if it is, it just shows how immature your time management skills is. if the feeling's gone, just tell her, don't act as if nothing happened when it did, cause as far as i know, you guys did enjoy each others' company. and even if you still deny it, fair enough, i can't comment cause i'm not there to see what actually is going on. just don't give the wrong signal to the girl to make her think otherwise, because she will be trapped in your love autopsy, for a long long time, trying to fight it but not forget it, the happy memories of that so-called relationship.

selfish as you guys may be, you're still in the minds of these girls, and i hope that these two girls will be able to swallow the pain wholeheartedly, leaving no traces to atone, i know its hard, i know its tough, time will heal eventually like many say, but it's really how you wanna heal, be it fast or slow it's up to you, time can only be time, pasting away second by second, your heart will be the deciding factor. there is hope in every heartbeat, tiny as it seems, and my hope to you is as big as how tiny you want it to seem, for matters of relationships i cannot help, and that is only you who can heal yourself.

so guys, if you're not mature enough as your age suggests, don't get into a relationship!

i'm really proud of you for taking it this far, pushing yourself bit by bit, acting strong in front of others, mixed feelings underneath. happy for you that you're moving forward, not really thinking of the past. wished that i could share the burden, but we know it's pretty much impossible. may the lord be with you always in whatever decision you decide to make.

you showed me and asked me about the photo that day, and i hope my answer of reassurance is sufficient for you, for you can only decide for yourself when is the right moment to do so, to finally let it go, officially, bearing no hate nor love to it, just really, letting it go.

and i'll be there always standing by you, waiting patiently for the good news to come.

later la

i'll just update my post tomorrow cause i'm really tired right now. homework is killing me, not to mention math ca on friday. sorry marie.

time

time really flies, looking back at my last post,it was 4th Jan and its already 18th Jan today. maybe I'm too busy with catching up with schoolwork that I'm too tired to update haha. To summarise all my thoughts now,

well done O1 committee for a job fulfilled!

1T03 is a great class, despite having 4 guys and 13 girls;

evadne is an excellent facil partner!

IG03 outing!

jamming session was shiok guys! (:

michael in the 'circle of trust';

O1 facils outing?

a new me? a new image that my classmates are talking about; 'everything new'

the unbelievable studious side of me this past two weeks!
thanks marie! (:

and I'm gonna continue becoming studious hopefully with marie continuing to be my study partner;

the potential upcoming stress from rockafella iv, orientation 2 and environmental week;

and lastly, tomorrow's COFFEE TREAT!
thanks marie! x2
OLE! SHIOK! haha.

IG03!

I'm very tired, actually extremely tired, and I love my IG03! Even though I was almost MIA-ing the whole time to help with games and logistics leaving my partner evadne all alone with them, they actually still bothered to remember my name and talk to me. Thank you guys for treating me and evadne dinner today! really appreciated it, even though it made my throat worse but who cares? haha. really hope to see you guys again anywhere in cj or even be in 1t03, so we can be your facil again for 3 days. anyway, we'll leave it to fate la. like what evadne said, IG03 is very enthu and I love them loads! take care guys and see you soon!

happy new year

and 2007 has finally came to a close, with the start of 2008.

time really flies. at this time last year i was still this ignorant sec 4 kid who can't seem to grow up and now I'm this fine young man standing tall. haha. lame la.

2007 ended well i guess, as compared with the mid-year which was really bad. the holidays proved to be a good time to relieve some stress out of me which was on-going during the whole school term, and friendships were kindled or rekindled through the many camps or retreats I'll attended. although I barely made it into J2, I guess life's like that and I'm glad to have ended it in a good note, rather than a bad one.

I want to personally thank 4 people who really helped and supported me in whatever way possible.

Jonathan Ma; thank you!
Edwin; thank you!
Kai Chuen; thank you!
and finally Marie; thank you!

2007 wouldn't be so exciting without you guys. thank you again! so much!

meanwhile, to my new year resolution for 2008, it's simple, and only two words that most will agree upon:

BE HAPPY.

life as it is

life is just so unpredictable. one day you can be happy, one day you can be sad. you may see your good friend today, but tomorrow he may be gone forever and never come back. there's no limits to how things can possibly get or be and it is also this reason that life can be so complicated or exciting/thrilling to some.

if many things are not going your way, you can do many things; break down and cry, bitch about it to a friend or just keep it to yourself. but it is the choices like this we make that affects us and the people around us.

if you break down and cry, you just break down and cry, friends and family will console you and stuff but it's really up to you if you wanna get back up on your two feet and move forward.

if you bitch it to a friend, of course your friend will ask you if you're alright and being yourself and it's up to you how you wanna feel. people will start worrying which is good in the sense that people actually care for you, and you can count on their support.

if you just keep it to yourself, you can do it, but past experiences tell me it's hard to do it, and if you do, you have excellent anger management abilities. you would just want to tell someone about it and let it off your chest, and once you do that, it will feel absolutely light-hearted.

that is two ways though which really helps in relieving stress and anger which I've tried and actually works. the first way it's best to do it near the sea or just somewhere no one can see you. raise your arms and just scream or shout! it works and if you don't try you never know how it feels. the second way is easier but really depends on how you look at it. just imagine how lucky and fortunate you are to actually be stressed and angry about these things; kids in Africa don't have the luxury to think about what you are feeling right now. they worry about other more important things like their basic necessities such as clean water and carbo food to survive. one sentence to summarise this; do not take simple things for granted and be appreciative for the many things (be it happy, sad, angry, disappointing) happening around you.

and if things are going your way, good for you! and hope or pray things continue to go your way.

maybe life is just god's test to everyone; whether we are able to face challenges and endure hardships to be able to proceed to the after-life, which no one knows until they're dead.

life can never be good without our family and friends, and I'm glad they're there to support me in any way possible.

act justly, serve truly and walk humbly (with your god)

and finally one word to describe life; bittersweet.

love actually

Just watched love actually on DVD. Still so in love with the show even though I've watched it like more than 10 times. the plot itself is simple yet touching, the scenes are what words can never describe and the song selection is just perfect.

And just because it's Christmas, I would like to quote something from the movie and it's really reflective:

General opinion started to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. Seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy but it's always there. Fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the twin towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge, they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.

I totally agree la. to the hopelessly romantic and sucker for romantic flicks me, find someone and stop dreaming!

Merry Christmas marie and kaichuen! don't be in santa's naughty list okay? haha :)

just a thought

just a thought... ...

ever wished you could say things like "I'm going to crystal jade for a snack!" or "Ben & Jerry's ice-cream is ridiculously cheap!" or would you just love to smack them right in the face and say "what the hell is your problem?"

for people like me who can only thrive on $2 gui peng (chicken rice) for a meal 3 times a day, fast food is considered as a luxury to me, crystal jade outings will be like once every 2 years and ben & jerry's ice-cream's like omg i don't wanna say even though the ice-cream is superb. and i'm not even talking about one fullerton lunch or ah yat abalone restuarant okay.

typical conversation between a rich bastard and a rich bitch:

rich bastard: so where did you eat for lunch?
rich bitch: tcc again la, like again. fish & co. and swensens are like totally out, too cheap for me.
rich bastard: chey, today i eat crystal jade the $xxx++ okay?
rich bitch: now the cab fare more expensive, you still can afford it or not?
rich bastard: of course! it's only $3 extra plus that 35% more cab fare only what. easy peasy!
(and i thought public transport was sucking up my allowance)

well that's life. it's always unfair. live it!

life as it is now

haven't been updating for a very long time, but no one ever visits my blog, except that Marie does now. and it is also because of her I'm actually posting. so if there's anyone reading this, thank Marie.

many things happened this holiday. APLYC 8 retreat, working at SITEX, APLYC 8, holiday to KL and finally council retreat. i have to say many of these experiences shown me the world in one way or another. i can proudly say that money is seriously not easy to earn. imagine standing at an average of 12 hours a day for 4 days with an estimated amount of $180 and you'll know why, at least I've got 2 Lenovo shirts free. but its the experience that counts, so no hard feelings. APLYC 8 was simply fabulous. "Many Lives, One Mission" was the theme, and helping my Alma mater is one thing I truly enjoy doing. 12 countries all came to Singapore for this lasallian congress. share, care and reflect was the aim, and we the organising team influenced them and achieved it. many friends were made from all walks of life , friendships rekindled and even though I was the only one from my class of 2006 to help out, I didn't felt left out, but more close to my juniors like never before. Working for the secretariat at the secretariat shop was fun, with all the rushing to meet deadlines proved to be manageable, except we slept at around 4-5a.m. everyday. Xian Yi, Kendrick, Kenny Yap, Edmund, Lennon & Richard; thank you for the cheap thrill gossips, bitching sessions and support during that whole week, and it was an eye-opener to how open you guys are. Fiona Xie laminates, WHAT THE MOM swearing and that dance instructor. hahahahahaha. finally i would to affirm the hong kong delegates, especially to 4 of them; Felix, Nikki, Christy & Johnson for the very late night conversations. it was fun and enjoyable talking to you guys about stuff i would never dreamt asking. and talking to you guys improved my cantonese alot, so thank you! hope I can go hong kong soon. KL was really a unforgettable trip, besides it being a bad experience, it really reflects on how cruel life can be and the ugly side of people. the hotel manager arrogant, taxi drivers obnoxious and the chinatown retailers money suckers to describe them a little. there were nice people, but the bad things overshadowed the good in that city. the malays thought that they were kings or sultans, but its their country, and they do have that pro-malay policies all around the country, so you can't blame them for believing they are bigshots. enough said about KL before my thoughts get distracted. council retreat was really much more enjoyable that i imagined. it really bonded the 29 of us closer together and we had fun. haha the games especially, super duper fun and hilarious. thanks games comm for those dirty yet fun games. haha group 3 we came in 2nd! well done! mrs leong session was my favourite. affirming, sharing and reconcile was the activity and we were suppose to 1 to 1 talk with anyone. haha it was enjoyable talking to kai chuen, clare, jocelyn, nadine and ya hui! thanks for sharing. later there was bbq. I was the 'chef' and cooked alot of food. apparently pork and otah was the most popular food with the teachers and jason asking for them constantly and marie the otah which was very well done. hahaha. mr pang's session was rather reflective and I really loved the foot thing. haha I think my foot was nice :) and I rather miss the late night talks with kai chuen. just to let marie know I'm not emo okay? yes my posts are rather emotional, but that was the past. now I'm quite happy with the way things are now, knowing you and council mates made me feel alive again haha. omg that sounds corny. Satisfied I am right now. will update soon! (:

true love?

does true love ever exist?

my answer will definitely be yes, be it to a small or large extent.

many people think that the girl/guy they 'like' are their true love. but is this true? or a mere deception that many choose to believe? let actions speak for themselves.

sometimes people tend to underlook things/take things for granted and ignore the 'gems' around them and care for the 'dirt'. maybe i just think people don't get the meaning of love itself, foolishly accepting the opposite sex into relationships that they're forged since being friends, or even thinking dating is 'cool' so i must do it. cliche.

have you ever wish you were that knight is shining armor or that lovable princess waiting to be with your cinderalla or your prince charming? how lovely if it ever happens to anyone of us. but the fact is, it is totally the opposite, you can't get your prince charming or your cinderalla, it hardly ever happens, not everyone is that gorgeous looking and perfect, not even you, brad pitt.

but it sure feels good to see it once in a while, haha.

Adidas ALL BLACKS bag. the sex.


rainbow nike dunks. the sex.



It was retail therapy for me this week. so happy :) , but now I have low cash pressure. :(

sweet 17

it may seem like a typical ordinary day to many, but for people like me and xinghao it ain't, cause its our birthday!!! we had been countdowning to this very particular day for at least a month or so. so when this day actually came, we were quite excited. today seems to be disappointing yet not disappointing. the sad thing thing was i didn't really went out today, or so it seems. but i did watch a movie with ed and ken, which was in a way, not bad. but i can't ask for more yea, if no one wants to ask me out, what can i do? force them to go out with me? NONO. it will look too desperate in a way, like you've no friends. anyway i've already spent quite a few years like that, so no harm done to have one more extra. but the thing that really surprised me is that people actually remembered me and xinghao's birthday. i mean i've always looked at myself as being someone ordinary and plain, usually thinking no one would really care about me, but this proved wrong, or maybe i'm too simple-minded. but i'm really grateful to those guys who remembered my birthday ever so unlikely. thank you. many thoughts have run through my mind this day, friendships, hardships and even funships. how i wish everything could be turned around, to change the unchangeable, but these things will never happen though. ok enough with the bullshit then, happy birthday to those who are born on the 3rd of september!! and one other thing; i hope true love really exists, not true lust. lame....

installation

today's the installation of the 33th student council. part of the crew, got the badge. everything went as according to plan. friends came to congratulate and the councillors really enjoyed themselves. and we all became cam-whores for the night. total high-ness.

one more thing: i'm finally a student councillor! the badge, the look, everything!

some photos taken from the day:

new lease of life here

I've just deleted all my older posts in the blog cause I just feel this blog needs a new lease of life. School isn't that great for me at all, failing almost every test and not being able to communicate with my peers the way I want it to happen. But life is just so unfair and I have to live with it. You can't change the world, but the world can change you.

I feel I'm kind of disliked in class. I get the feeling everyone in class wants to avoid me, and I don't know why. Is it because I'm too kaypoh, or I'm too offensive in the way I speak, or is it I'm just not good to talk with? I DON'T KNOW! I have always wanted to be the talkable type, where I can make people laugh with everything I say, like weihao for instance, but I know I'm not up to it. I just can't be stupid and lame all the time, but I want to be popular.

To be popular, you must have either of these 'qualities'. 1-be pretty or handsome & 2-be the clown/joker and make people laugh. I'm neither of those, so I guess I can't be popular. What am I talking about? Why do I have to live in people's perception? Forget about all the dumb fallacies, just focus on yourself. I am the centre of this universe, not earth, not even the sun. I must get out of my comfort zone, or nothing's going to change. Who am I kidding? You have to be pretty or handsome to be popular, no doubt about it. And I'm not.

I just don't believe what some of my friends are saying. They say I'm look handsome, potential eyecandy material. But who are they kidding? I have two eyes to see for myself. Of course I know if I look good or not, who doesn't?

Honestly I'm LOST. Lost the meaning of life. I really see no need for my existence in this world, its like I'm just a normal average human being on the way to selling my soul for the survival of the country's economic growth rate. I don't want to do these things. I just want to happy. Is this so hard to ask for?